Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Kicking The Habit: My Graduation

I have been attending substance abuse classes through Terros since October 7, 2009, and tonight I graduated... I'm not really sure how to put all of my feelings into words. Over the years that I used substances to "numb" any emotions that could possibly effect me in a negative way, I hurt so many people. I never really realized how my drug use affected my family, or anyone for that matter... I got so caught up in trying to not feel that I lost sight of all of the things I stood for and loved. I almost lost my son Kade, numerous friends, and the trust from everyone that I love.
Many days I struggle with cravings, but I finally have made up my mind to completely surrender and not give in to my cravings. I will NEVER forget my sobriety date! I will NEVER allow myself to forget that I deserve to be happy! I will NEVER forget that I have worth! I will NEVER forget that it is "normal" to feel a vast range of emotions! I will NEVER forget that you can not enjoy the sweet without tasting the bitter! I will NEVER forget to love me! I will NEVER again give into my addiction! I will be drug free!!!
Rylee, Azlyn, Kade, and Ryan at the door preparing to enter my graduation!

Kade, Azlyn, and Ryan hugging

Rylee, Ryan, Azlyn, and Kade coloring and playing at my graduation.

My amazing counselor Jackie and Myself holding my Graduation Certificate.

Jackie, Kade, and Myself

My classmates supporting me at my Graduation. Thanks so much for all of your support, and good luck to all of you!

Dara, Kade, Me still pregnant with baby Liam, Azlyn, Natalie, Ryan, Merri, Rylee, My Dad, My Mom, and Tamy!
EVERYONE I love came to support me at my graduation. I am so grateful for your patience, love, support, and long suffering.
After my graduation I returned home to Tamy's house, and this is one of the painting that she bought me as a graduation surprise. I absolutely love it. It is of the Lord comforting an Addict. It brings me to tears. I absolutely love it. Thanks Tamy!!!

Beautiful Surrender

I fade to the color of detachment, and like a loose chain break away from the whispering sounds that pierce friendly sinful thoughts.

But not long, soon for me I will reattach myself to the broken Siren's sound, that lures me to her depths and takes charge of my soul.

She will command me like the roaring waters.
I will loose myself in her arms.
And like a mother she will comfort me. Too long.

She will hold me and when I realize that her voice was nothing more than a pale dark sky painted with the colors of beautiful agony. I will run from her and lose my way.

I will try and find my way back to my safe haven, the one I used to belong.
But I will get scared and like the arms of a mother.
Or the warm soft lips of a lover she will call me.

My minds eye will see her familiar road and decide to stay only for a moment. Until I have recharged my sinful soul.

Then I will leave again.
This journey will take long, it will not end.
Her voice will only get more beautiful and her sky unlike anything you've ever seen.

Her cast disguised by Satan himself.
She rules the minds of many.
The strongest won't survive...her pull is like gravity.

A hinder to the thoughts she serves, and a grasp to the minds she takes.
Selfish bonds break the strongest hearts from entering his kingdom. What for.

Live with her corrupt capture, or with turmoil that wraps you like a pythons peeling squeeze.
Escape the serpent and you will be of few who have wrestled death, and won.

You have to give up and let your life re-render, because everyone knows after every sad struggle is a beautiful surrender

The Power To Refuse

Restraining the joys i used to know,
the simple obsession held back.
Ignoring the want embedded within,
the tastes that i yearn start to stack.

Ignoring them still, I'm gaining power,
yet ready to crumble at anytime.
I'm teasing these wants, with a taste here and there,
knowing i cannot resign.

I'm so strong now, with the power to refuse, they shove my enemy in my face.
He lingers in my sight, shooting accompanying words
My faults,
My needs,
My fears.

Yet, they don't understand how wonderful it feels to be empty, nearly weightless, conquering undoubtedly,

with the power

to refuse.

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