I NEED TO VENT!!!

Well it's no wonder why I finally decided to start living for myself and began making decisions because they make ME happy. I can't live my life for others, because that will not bring me happiness and joy. Besides, we have agency to make our own choices. Why have agency if you don't make your own choices??? 

My entire family is in Colorado right now visiting with Tiffany and her family. Also they are all getting to spend time with my Aunt Karen (whom I have not seen since I was a kid). Well originally I was supposed to go too. Well big shocker when I was dis-invited. I don't get to see my nephew who turned 8 on the 23rd, or my sister who has a birthday on the 27th as does my neice. Nor do I get to see my Aunt Karen, or meet my new little neice Lucy! Nor do I get to spend time with Tiffany since her health is a big concern. I don't understand. I try to be mature about it. I try to not be angry or mad or hurt. I have done a good job until right now. I am hurt. I am furious. Oh yeah, and I am over it!!! I am so over being the expendable member of the family! Which by the way the definition of is perfectly tailored to the role I play in my family!

ex·pend·a·ble/ikˈspendəbəl/

Adjective:

(of an object) Designed to be used only once and then abandoned or destroyed. Of little significance when compared to an overall purpose, and therefore able to be abandoned.

I still stand by the choice I made to marry my husband. You all do not have to see it now, nor do you have to accept it. However he and I have both changed. We are doing so well. We are happy, and we love each other and are a real family now!!! Glad you all are so close and don't mind pushing me and my feelings aside. Now more then ever we need to pull together and be a family. Now more then ever I needed to be with you all and to spend time with Tiffy. Why do you all work so hard to keep me on the outskirts of the family? I would never push Kade to the side as you all do me! (I know I am going to get a million texts and phone calls from my angry family members about posting this. Well if you are ashamed at how you treat me then GREAT! You all should be. However that wont be the case, you will only be angry because you are worried what others are thinking about you all now. You should be!)  And saying I can only go to Colorado if I annul my marriage? Really? Wow! Was that helpful or hurtful? You all say that you just want me to be happy. Well I am so happy! Charlie is doing so well. I have been patient and understanding long enough. It's exhausting being the only onle that has to be understanding. Thanks for once again making me feel a part of the family. Ironic don't ya think ( a part and apart)! Hope ya all have a blast together. That picture perfect little family that you all are together as a family of 5.

Koutz 1st Home Sweet Home!

Our New Home!!! I am so excited. It's our new fresh start. Can't wait to move in. It has the best yard, and fruit trees, and the washer and dryer will be in it before we move in!!! 

Kade saw that Brad (our wonderful real estate agent) had an Ipad and had to play it lol!!!

Luke 2 Collection and Music Video.mov

Kruel Words

We all know that I have made plenty of mistakes in my life. However normally I am pretty content only hurting myself. A few months ago I made a mistake in the heat of the moment during a family argument. I was hurt and thought I was justified to lash out at my oldest sister. Instead of keeping the drama in my family I chose to publicly bash her for anyone who had access to my blog to read. 

Merri, I love you and am so so so sorry for the hurtful things I said to you. I did not mean them, I was just lashing out. Saying the worst things I could imagine to hurt you, even though they were not true. I know that I have hurt you, and would do about anything to take it back. You have stood by my side through the most difficult things I have had to go through in my life. Impossibly hard things that I never thought I would ever come out of alive anyways. I love having you as a sister, and though we have countless things we don't see eye to eye on I love and cherish you for all of your strengths. In many ways I envy you ! I have always looked up to you Merri. You have an amazing heart, and are great at everything you do. You are an amazingly patient mother who is constantly doing selfless things to keep your 3 little ones happy and active.

Merri I hate living my life without you in it, and I hope you can forgive me. What I did was hurtful, hateful and cruel. I love you, and never want our family to be split like this again. Thanks for always being there for me in my darkest hours. Love and miss you. Lets fix us!

Komfortless

I could sure use my birthmothers/birthmothers support group right about now. Correct me if I am wrong, but we did not have a funeral for Azlyn or Liam right? I distinctly remember having 2 placement ceremonies when I signed the adoption paperwork (to give them a better life, not to throw them away and get them out of my life so I didn't have to have anything to do with them), they are both still very much alive and very much an important part of my life, right!?! I wanted to keep them more than anything in my life, but they deserved better, and so did Kade.  

I need your support. You should care because Azlyn and Liam matter to me. You should be there for me! Quit acting like they never happened, and like I should just forget about them. I can't handle it anymore. I wanna just run away from you and never care about what you both think or say to me anymore, because lately all I feel is hurt from you and your actions. You will never know what it feels like to be in my shoes. You think you hurt? Step outside of yourself for the first time in your life, and imagine the agony I am going through knowing that emotionally I am completely alone without you two by my side.

I still stand by my decision that placing Azlyn and Liam was the right thing to do! I don't regret it one bit, but without your support, I find myself thinking more and more often what it would have been like to have kept them both, and that gets me down, and I don't like having those thoughts. I wish you would just be there for me because being there for me is the right thing to do. 

Kalm Down & Take A Step Back

The Lord commanded that we should love our neighbors as ourselves. Who is more of a neighbor to me then my Mother/Family?

Lately I have been struggling with accepting a family member for the way they are. It has been affecting me, as well as her I am sure. I have lost sleep, allowed my attitude to ruin my entire day, been angry, and even cried. I am sure I have allowed this to affect me my entire life, and I am tired of it. I am really going to work on letting it not affect me so much. I will serve her, love her, and do all that I can to not be judgemental but to be loving, and more understanding. At the end of the day I have the ability to choose between being happy, angry, or sad. I have control over my emotions, and how I handle things is up to me. It is her life to live the way she chooses, and I have realized that I may never completely understand her, but I will always love her.

Kuddle Time With Azlyn & Liam

How lucky am I!!! It is almost becoming a habit that I get to see Azlyn and Liam each month since Liam's birth. I could really get use to this. I love spending time with these two! Dara and Jim flew with the kids to Phoenix this past week to stay in a resort (Jim received a reward from his work), while Dara's parents picked up the kids to stay with them for the week in Tucson. So I of course drove up to visit them. I had a blast! Azlyn cuddled with me more in this one visit than she had her entire life after leaving the hospital that is.

It's really hard to get a picture with all 3 of us looking!

These two are so cute together. Liam adores Azlyn. I really wish I had brought Kade, because Azlyn kept asking about him, and Kade just adores his younger brother and sister.

Failed attempt #2 of trying to get us all looking.

I brought Azlyn a little Tinker Bell phone, and as I tried to photograph her with it she did the same to me. Dara saw the picture and knew exactly what Azlyn was doing. I guess she does this regularly.

Brother and Sister! I am so glad they have each other.

Failed attempt #3 lol

This little guy makes the cutest faces

Tummy Time

Love that belly

We Did It!

Poor princess bonked her head.

Grandma Butler "revived" Bear Bear by adding more stuffing to him and sewing him up. Azlyn decided she needed to be stuffed too. See her fluffy belly? So cute.

Say Cheese

My Angels

Love this face

I like this one

Hard to believe she is actually laughing

I am so glad I get to see you guys often. I sure love you both and always will.