Saturday, January 1, 2011

Konfused & Frustrated

I have grown leaps and bounds over the past 8 months-year. However I still find myself frustrated when I get sad and worked up over missing Azlyn and Liam. I was just organizing pictures into shutterfly, and as I wait for them to download I have been updating my blog. I came across my pictures of the last time I got to spend with Liam before he headed to his new home in Utah. Without me, and once again I am feeling that ache in my chest.
Let me clarify two things for you... I love and miss Azlyn, but time has helped heal the constant pain I felt each day not getting to hold her in my arms. With Liam it is still so fresh. It still hurts! I still get that ache in my heart for him. Also let me add that I am not at all sad for what is, but for what will never be... at least not with Azlyn and Liam that is. I never have regretted placing them with Dara and Jim, but I often think of what could have been.
It feels like just the other day I was holding him, and playing with Azlyn. Now looking at the pictures, it feels like ages ago. I just want to hold him, kiss his perfect little face, and tell him how much I love him. How much I always have and always will. I hate feeling this way! DARN YOU HAPPY HORRIBLE FEELINGS! I will continue to feel, and by doing so, I will continue to progress. I want Liam, Azlyn, and Kade to all be so proud of their Birthmother, and Mother!

Hurry up 6 month mark and get here, so that I can hold you once again, and this won't be the last picture I have of us together.


  1. I wish there some way I could take your hurt away but I know that I can't. All I can do is help the kids know how much you love them!

  2. I know I don't know how you are feeling, but I am impressed every day by your strength to continue on and the progress you are making in your life is amazing! All these sweet little ones are going to be very proud of you!