I have found that when repenting for past wrong doings, the most difficult part is forgiving myself and moving forward. I can forgive others when they do hurtful or unkind things, but in the past never did so to myself. I love being in the place that I am now. I finally love being me, and have completely let go of my past. I feel such relief! My hard work and new found self confidence has lead me to one of my ultimate goals.
On Tuesday January 11,2010 I took my last Temple prep class at the Straders home. I have loved taking these 6 fascinating classes with them teaching me. I have learned so many things, and the spirit was so strong. I then drove across the street to my ward building (Cooley Station) and met with the bishop. My main intentions for our meeting was to discuss with him my desire to stay in our ward through February. I recently moved out of Tamy's home and moved into my sister Natalie and her husband Justin's home, until I move to Sierra Vista in March. Bishop Porter agreed saying that he would love Kade and I to remain in the ward. I was ecstatic. He then pulled out his binder, and proceeded to talk to me about my desire to take my Temple prep classes and then go to the Temple. We then went through the list of questions designed to make sure the person is truly prepared and worthy to enter the Temple. Tears began flowing out of my eyes when he filled out my recommend and told me that he felt now seemed like the perfect time for me to go.
Had anyone asked me earlier in my life when I was struggling I would have said that the life style was just not for me, and I would never go to the Temple. I am amazed at how different my life is now. I have such wonderful goals, and so much more drive to better myself and stay on the right path.
I can not wait to go through the Temple and take out my Endowments. What a life changing event. My testimony is the strongest it has ever been, and continuing to grow each day. I will be with the most amazing people in my life the day I go through the temple.
Dara informed me that she and the 2 kids would be coming down for a visit on Feb. 24th, and that she would love to be here the first time I go through. I can't think of a more amazing story to tell Azlyn and Liam once they are older, that their Mom witnessed their Birthmother go through the Temple for the very first time. Then in May the McEnaney's will come back down here again to have Liam sealed to them for time and all eternity. I will be there this time and get to witness this miracle. I will see Azlyn and Liam both dressed in white and inside the walls of the Temple, with their parents. I am so grateful that I was in tune with the spirit enough to make that difficult yet wonderful decision to place both Azlyn and Liam with Dara and Jim. We all were meant to cross paths here on earth. These two precious babies that I gave life, are in the arms of their parents who now will give them an eternal family, and everything else they deserve to have. They will grow up strong and confident and loved. I am so glad that I held up my end of the bargain that I know I made while in Heaven. I know that I knew Dara and Jim, and I know that we were close there. I know that I promised them and the Lord that I would bring these two special little spirits into this world, and go through unimaginable pain while searching for their parents until I located them.
Azlyn and Liam made it! And that is exactly what I cried out in the Bishops office when I was handed my recommend. "I made it!"
Tonight I was reading the children (Ryan, Kade, & Rylee) Scriptures before I put them to bed. I read out of the New Testament that has pictures and appropriate lessons for young children made for them to understand.
JESUS FORGIVES A WOMAN
In this scripture,
A Pharisee asked the Savior to come and eat with him at his house. A woman who had many sins knew Jesus was eating at the Pharisee's, and she wanted to do something special for him. She knelt and washed the Savior's feet with her tears. She dried His feet with her hair and kissed them. She put sweet-smelling oil on them too. The Pharisee knew of her many wrong doings, and thought that Jesus should not have let her touch Him. The Savior knew the Pharisee's thoughts, and told him that the woman had done more to care for Him than the Pharisee had. For he had not given Jesus water to wash His feet or oil for His head, as was often done for guests. Jesus told him that the woman's sis were forgiven because she loved the Savior and had faith in Him. Jesus told the woman to go in peace.
While reading to the children, tears began welling up in my eye's and flowing down my cheeks. I am konfident that the Lord has forgiven me, and is rejoicing that I have made it too. This scripture reminds me of the importance of making things right with the Lord, having faith, and and serving Him. This woman was doing all of these things. She showed great love and amazing faith. I am so grateful for the Atonement, and all of the wonderful and great things it has done for me. I am glad I have made it back onto the straight and narrow path. I am such a better Mother, friend, daughter, and Person for fighting til the end.
My family will have no empty chairs!