Monday, May 2, 2011

Komfortless

I could sure use my birthmothers/birthmothers support group right about now. Correct me if I am wrong, but we did not have a funeral for Azlyn or Liam right? I distinctly remember having 2 placement ceremonies when I signed the adoption paperwork (to give them a better life, not to throw them away and get them out of my life so I didn't have to have anything to do with them), they are both still very much alive and very much an important part of my life, right!?! I wanted to keep them more than anything in my life, but they deserved better, and so did Kade.  

I need your support. You should care because Azlyn and Liam matter to me. You should be there for me! Quit acting like they never happened, and like I should just forget about them. I can't handle it anymore. I wanna just run away from you and never care about what you both think or say to me anymore, because lately all I feel is hurt from you and your actions. You will never know what it feels like to be in my shoes. You think you hurt? Step outside of yourself for the first time in your life, and imagine the agony I am going through knowing that emotionally I am completely alone without you two by my side.

I still stand by my decision that placing Azlyn and Liam was the right thing to do! I don't regret it one bit, but without your support, I find myself thinking more and more often what it would have been like to have kept them both, and that gets me down, and I don't like having those thoughts. I wish you would just be there for me because being there for me is the right thing to do. 

5 comments:

  1. We love you so so so much and we are here for you!! You have support from people that understand you and what you are going through! Don't forget that...USE us...that is why we are here!! We LOVE YOU...REMEMBER...you are a BIG TOUGH GIRL!!!!!

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  2. Oh my Katie! If I could pack you up and take you home with me I would! You are strong, courageous and more loving that anyone I know! Please don't let ignorant people get you down. I love you and we will all give you lots of hugs! Call me if you need to talk!

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  3. Mia Dolce Principessa!!! Ti Voglio Bene! Take a deep breath And know all is well! You have a lot of support and many are grateful for your decision including your Heavenly Father! Your Savior feels your pain and is willing to take it ALL for you! Give it to him and leave it with him! After talking to you last week I knew this might end up in this way but.... You have done MANY hard things in your life... More than most girls the same age! Don't take away the spirit of the Temple and ALL you have worked for to this point!!! I know you want everyone to feel the love you have for Kade, Azlyn and Liam but if the truth be know only their moms will ever know this love! You have so many people who love and support you, Kade, Azlyn, and Liam! Try to focus on the love and graditude that Jim and Dara give so freely and how much I love you as well!! You will always be special to me...You have come so far... remember when life gets to hard to stand... KNEEL!! Love you precious Girl!!

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  4. Hi Katie...I've been struggling lately myself and want you to know that you are NOT ALONE. Every day I think of my daughter I think of other birthmamas out there, and say a prayer and send good thoughts and wishes out to you. You don't have to carry all of this alone...you made big responsible decisions and of course there are going to be hard times. People who haven't first hand gone through adoption cannot possibly understand and never will. It doesn't mean that our experience doesn't matter, it just means that people can't always comprehend the hard side of adoption when all they see is the good. You have a right to mourn not parenting, and you should know that your decisions to place were right and good, because you did it all for them. It doesn't take the hurt away but please know that you are an amazing woman and mom!

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  5. hello from the grave ha ha it me charlie you can reach me at charleskoutz@yahoo.com go figure im on a computer no hard fillings and im happy for you im next in the temple bet latter

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